Over the past few weeks my dreams could not have been more vivid. I find myself dreaming every night and remembering most of them (which is actually quite rare to always be able to remember your dreams according to some research I've heard). But these dreams aren't the happy-go-lucky dreams that we all wish we had. And they definitely aren't the ones that I can control. I find myself often in awkward and strange places with no where to go. Or I find myself not being listened to and ignored (which is by far one of my worst fears). But overall, what is seen is not nearly as astounding as what I feel, and when I say astounding it's not really in a good way. Extreme feelings on every end of any scale are present: fear, shame, guilt, depression, worry, anger, desire (mostly sexual to be honest), etc. Mostly negative feelings that's for sure. And these feelings wouldn't bother me so much if it wasn't for the fact that it carries over into my day and affects how I act and feel when I'm awake. It certainly feels like an uphill battle to me. To have to deal with the depression and day to day pain, that I am constantly in, and then have to add poor sleep because of terrible dreams. Going through my own personal hell is the only way to put it, and that's probably putting it more lightly than it is.
I often wonder if a person could think themselves to death. Not in the literal sense although that would be a new record, but in general, do we often think and analyze too much? Perhaps. Daydreams are a thing that I often ponder, but they are things that I need to be careful about. I try to mull my way around the day not thinking at times so that I don't get too anxious or depressed. But as life is, we must always come back and deal with or cope with what is on our minds and hearts. I find this to be very unfortunate. I envy the ignorant. I envy the genius or dull. I find that I'm just intelligent to know that I'm not so intelligent, and so the bitter downward-spiral begins and it goes on forever . . . How terrible is it to know that in my condition with the human condition so imperfect to be destined to a life of imperfection with an imperfect view of the world telling us to be perfect. Such are my quandaries as of late and they drive me crazy! So to think or not to think? Hmm . . . its a question that I have yet to answer nor do I ever think I will be able to answer. I wish so badly for the pain to go away and for my dreams to finally be made real.
" . . . But I being poor have only my dreams,
I have spread my dreams beneath your feet,
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams."
(Excerpt from "He Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven" by William Butler Yeats)
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